~Humor For The Soul~

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!

A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Proverbs 17:22)

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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. Next morning a guard escorted her back to the booking desk, where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal belongings.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; Naturally, I had to assume that you had stolen the car."

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Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

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A little boy came home from Sunday School with a
big candy bar. His mother asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,"
he said. "That dollar was for Sunday School," she scolded him.
"I know, Mom, he replied, "but the Pastor met me at the door
and got me in for free!"

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~The Religious Dog~

Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and
his wife decided to get a new dog, and knew that the dog
also had to be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel
and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel
whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.

The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible,"he commanded. The dog bounded to the
bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and
brought it to the owner.

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible
to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws,
leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to
it with his paw.

The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased
the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to
visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog,
having him locate several Bible verses.

The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he
do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet" the pastor replied. He pointed his
finger at the dog."HEEL!" the pastor commanded.

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw
on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh!! NO!!
He's Pentecostal!"

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After the service a woman went to the preacher, "Pastor, I hope you don't take it personal that my husband walked out during your sermon."

"Oh, I'm so glad you told me that, because it upset me terribly," said the preacher.

"What caused him to leave, if I may ask?"

"Oh he's been sleepwalking since he was a little kid."

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~DETOUR~
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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~TIMMY vs BIBLICAL SCHOLAR~

Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"

"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about one foot deep. No miracle was involved."

"Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in one foot of water!"

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A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer.

The Pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them.

Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug.

"What was that all about"? He asked.

She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40."

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~WHAT DOES GOD LOOK LIKE?~

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked her what she was drawing.

The little girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said to her "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the little girl replied,.."Well....they will in a minute."

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~THE BIBLE SALESMAN~

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200.00 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280.00 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200.00 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us whatyou said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

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~GOLF~
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early fall day, decided he just absolutely had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he wasn't feeling well and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time,

Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why would you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to brag to?"

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